Moving For Twixters: A Field Manual     By Sarah Haufrect This article is designed to assist in the delicate process of moving: extracting oneself, along with one's material possessions from a particular dwelling place and hauling it off to another. Regardless of the type of move you plan to make (bicoastal, biannual, by U-HAUL, etc.), this article provides step-by-step instructions and practical tips designed to make any move as non ulcer inducing as possible. Step 1. The Decision A. Commit to your move as soon as possible. By this, I mean that you should decide to move as long before the actual "launch date" as possible. Four months is ample time to perform steps two through five, listed below. Three months? You're still in good form. Two months? You're pressing your luck. One month will require a massive compression of steps three and four and a definite caffeine habit (If a caffeine habit is already fully formed and unable to increase your general energy level, other forms of "energizing substances" may help, but are not officially condoned by the magazine). Less than two weeks prior planning falls into the category of "flash-moving" and will be discussed in a separate section. B. Understand the motivations for your move by asking yourself these three simple questions in this particular order: 1. Why am I going to move? There are five acceptable answers to this question: 1. It is too cold. 2. It is too rainy. 3. You've come to a crucial juncture in your life where all the plans you've made and tried your best to pursue have slowly faded into a list of actions through which your vision of yourself and the life you want to live have not been actualized, at least not in the authentic way in which you wanted to see them fully realized in all your potential, and you can either maintain this half-fulfilling life that has started to mean less and less with each passing day, or you can reinvent your life-path in the new uncharted land to include the possibility of attaining all your greatest hopes and aspirations. 4. You cannot find a decent cup of coffee. 5. You were ousted from your job or from your long-term relationship, or both, on your birthday, and it was raining. If your answer to question one was unacceptable (e.g."It's not fun enough here"), please answer question two: 2. Why do I need to move? An acceptable answer to this question will neutralize your pathetic excuse of an answer to question one. Fill in the blanks: I know that if I move to __________ I will be better off because I have this great ___________ waiting for me there that will help me eventually ____________, which is something I've always wanted to do. Having trouble? Try this one: Living in _________ will be good for me because there are so many ________ and ________ and also ___________ , my good friend, will be able to acquaint me with the city. No luck? In that case, let us assume the following scenario: I ran out of money and I need to move back in with my parents until I can figure out how to manage a credit card, remember to buy food for my cat, hold a job for more than four months, and eat fruit, so I don't get scurvy, again. Proceed to question three. 3. Where am I going to move? Under no circumstances should one move from one locale without a preconceived destination. This type of "impulse" move has been tested and studies indicate that the results of such actions lead to one of three outcomes: ending up right back where you started after hours and hours of needless driving, crying to your mother from the phone booth outside the Local Stop'N'Go in Somedumbtown, USA, or directly into 1758 dollars worth of credit card debt. Step 2: Getting Your Affairs in Order Ideally, step two should be performed two to four months prior to your move. Make a list of people you must notify about your move. Once you've written this list, devise some visible priority ranking system: A. Without Fail - landlord, workplace, phone company, electric company, post office, bank, million dollar sweepstakes magazine subscriptions, doctor(s), dentist and optometrist (for copies of your files and recommendations for reputable practitioners in your new location of residence), and local internet provider (with which you are generally breaking your two year contract and, as such, will incur a considerable fee). B. For Practical Reasons: (like helping to pay off that local internet provider cancellation penalty): Granny who lives 20 miles away and sent you cat-shaped paperclips for your high school graduation present and took you out for brunch that one time (one word: inheritance), your ex-significant other's parents who love you and miss you and can't stand that their child is now in the wretches of a passionate affair with some hussy and who will want to take you out to lunch and tell you how much they prefer you (adding to both financial and emotional stability), or any local resident with whom you could facilitate a more positive moving experience, but whose presence you may not suffer as gladly as you would others. C. Because You Might As Well: those whom you don't mind notifying, do not pose a financial or emotional penalty, nor offer financial or emotional gain, if not contacted (the cute barista at Starbucks, or your local independent coffee establishment). In short, those who would care to know if say, you died, but who are far down enough on your social-ladder that skipping over them might feel unnatural, but will not incur any personal harm. D. Or Else: I use this phrase "or else" loosely. This category is reserved for those rare, lovely souls whom you genuinely would want to contact more than anyone, to laugh with, to reminisce with, and with whom to spend "quality" time before step five, and if say, you chose not to, you'd be alienating people who mean a great deal to you, and to boot, they would be pissed as hell if they didn't get special treatment because they sure as shit would have given it to you. Begin accumulating cardboard boxes and newspaper. Lastly, start doing squats and sit-ups, as many as you can, as often as you can. This will help you with steps three and five. (And perhaps even step four. I'll explain later.) Now contact all listed in Group A, alerting all parties to your date of departure/termination of service, and tally up expenditures. Ideally these expenses will not exceed four hundred dollars. If they do, think about finding a part-time job, or paying homage to every person listed in Group B. Step 3: Packing and Selling Generally the packing and selling step begins roughly one to two months before your departure date and continues as you move on to steps four and five. If you did your squats and pushups, this won't be so bad, particularly if you can incorporate your caffeine and other stimulating substance at this point. Pack your belongings carefully, but with enthusiasm! Here is a general estimate of how long it will take you to pack up each room in your moderately sized one-bedroom apartment: A. Kitchen - approximately one hour and forty-five minutes if you have enough newspaper for your plates, pots, mugs and martini set. If you forgot about the newspaper, go get some right now. (This will add fifteen to thirty-five minutes to your packing time) B. Living Room - Two hours and thirty minutes (but only an hour without the TV turned on). This will consist of packing books, trinkets, and music, or it will consist of video games, multiple video game players/control devices, and music. Either way, think: supermarket bagger meets Tetris. All items can be situated snugly or haphazardly in boxes depending on their shapes in relation to the other items grouped in the same box, (or "level" if you're digging the Tetris analogy). Try and make it fun. See how fast and how perfectly matched you can make all the items scrunch together. Start making little "dink" or "ping" sounds each time you place an item successfully in a box. C. Bedroom - Same amount of time as the living room but add an hour for clothes (use duffel bags over boxes) and an hour for marveling at the photos, love letters, and trinkets you long forgot, stashed away in underwear drawers and desk furniture. D. Bathroom - Leave the bathroom to the last minute. Half of the junk you have in there is gross and past code anyway. The key to a single person's successful move is to take as little with you as possible. Thus, as far as your material possessions are concerned, if you don't need it, dispose of it. Think: Buddhist monk meets Martha Stewart. Think: I am not wedded to the material creations of this world, only nature and being, unless this Maplewood table will look unbelievably fantastic matched with hardwood floors. Many times the packing and selling step cannot be fully accomplished due to the overwhelming obligations you will have to your group D brunches and lunch dates. Either that, or you threw out your back because you continued to be a lazy bum and you didn't do your squats and sit-ups. If after long days of packing and far too many sleepless nights, you have still failed to pack an adequate amount of your personal belongings, your best option is to buy a few cases of beer, make phone calls to all those on your group D list and hold a packing party where you can mingle and mix before the big move (and con your closest friends into being cheap labor). Not only will this ensure maximum packing capabilities, it will also ease the transition into step four . . . Step 4: Saying Your Goodbyes This is where your lists will really come in handy. Take lists B, C, and D and steadfastly go through each one with an emphasis placed on the top tier of all three lists. This is the emotionally taxing portion of your move. Remember that one month before your departure date, you will begin to see your current home as more and more attractive with every passing day, you'll start to discover new hidden treasures around your neighborhood, you will remember those two or three really good times (and they were quite nice). Your ex-boyfriend will suddenly become kinder, your other ex-boyfriend, more handsome. What you are feeling is the natural sadness that comes with making great change in one's life; you are like a snake, shedding its very skin to create another. Do Not Be Lured Back. It is all a mirage. Force yourself to dwell upon the harsh realities of your soon to be ex-home, which will remain as cold, rainy, poorly brewed, and jobless (doubly boyfriendless) long after you are gone. This portion of your move is also emotionally taxing because you are subject to others' schedules, wishes, and personal brunch choices. As far as expenses go, plan according to how stingy or generous your Group D friends happen to be. Either they will be kind and take you out, or they will expect you to do so as a parting gift because they will be losing the pleasure of your company indefinitely (probably forever, if they don't have the common decency to take you out for one last lunch!). Sending a farewell/thank you card from Hallmark is always a thoughtful parting gift to leave for group B or D members. If, however, you're a cheapskate, what better way to cover it up than to write personalized letters on loose leaf paper, fold them up very small and present them to each of your friends individually. Not only will you seem exceptionally sweet and caring, you will also have an extra twenty to thirty bucks to kick around. Step 5: Lift-Off OK. This is it. You're leaving. It is a wise choice to leave as early as possible on your day of departure. You'll beat traffic, and feel very proud of yourself, which is a good way to start anything. From my own personal research, I recommend leaving at approximately 5:23am. If you are not an early riser, try this helpful morning pick-me-up: mix red bull and diet mountain dew into a large pitcher of Sunny Delight. This will wake you up assuredly (along with providing 100% of your daily allotted Vitamin C). Ensure that all of your belongings are safely packed into boxes, bags, or microwave-safe containers and securely squashed into your car's trunk, or strapped precariously to its top. Keep an eye on your rear view mirror as much as possible to watch for runaway clothing, bed sheets, or, god forbid, anything with sharp edges. If you are en route to the airport, make absolutely sure you have all your ticketing materials and identification in a pocket or location that is accessible with the least amount of movement or distance, so you don't have to drop your stuff every time you need to flash an I.D. or ticket stub. Better yet, strapping them along your right forearm in some way (rubber bands, crazy glue, etc.) is a clever trick so that you can simply hold out your arm to airport security so they can wave you through. When you arrive at your new place of residence, give yourself a pat on the back. Hopefully you made it in one piece, and so did all of your fragile items. Bonus Section: The Flash move A move of this nature typically occurs when one's life begins to resemble a natural disaster - entities beyond your control have wreaked havoc on your way of life. Or you were just a lazy bum. In either case this is what you do: Acting as you would in an emergency, take only what you need, as much as you can fit in bags, (extra large trash bags work well) into whatever you are using as transportation. Leave the rest for the survivors to pillage; call the Salvation Army, Goodwill, and whatever other charity services exist in your area that will pick things up from your place of residence. Tell them it's all theirs, unless you can get one of you Group D friends to come over and host a garage sale for you and then send you the proceeds. If one of your friends would do that for you, man, that person's a keeper! That's hard to find. Are you sure you want to move?