I know some people (most people), resist writing thank you notes, and I think I know why. Similar to recycling, writing a thank you note is a small gesture that could make a major impact improving the quality of your life and those lives around you with minimal effort. And, it's the minimal effort part we all get so hung up on. It's the point at which a person approaches two trashcans, one gray and signifying trash, the other blue and signifying recycling- and at that crux, said person is unable to move hand three inches to the left and deposit soda can into appropriate waste receptacle (recycling) because it requires slightly more conscious thought than urinating does.
The same logic follows with writing thank you notes.One can only imagine the smile it will put on Grandma's face to find a simple message in the mail, not so much even about the thanks, but just a little letter to let her know you remember her, that you acknowledge her gift, that everyone still likes her even though Uncle Joey is, more or less, her fault. Yes, Grandma would like that, she would like that immensely, and perhaps it will happen for her next year because in this very moment, there is something more pressing to be done and it is called computer solitaire.
I write thank you notes, and not because my grandmother is more important to me than computer solitaire. I write thank you notes because I see it as another opportunity to talk about myself. And I believe that if more people regarded thank you notes as an opportunity to talk about themselves, they would be a far more popular thing.
That said, the end of a holiday and the beginning of a new year is an excellent time to spend thirteen minutes feeling passionate about the things that you should do in the upcoming year. Hence, this is the perfect time to ponder writing a thank you note, research the options at Target, maybe even buy cards to leave in the backseat of your car that you will stumble across ten days later. Then, you might see this very same bag in the backseat and mistake it for something you wanted. Momentarily believe for inexplicable reasons that inside that bag there is a really fun makeup organizer, like the kind you asked for during the holidays, but which no one thought to buy you… Ponder how grandma flew all the way here and gave you a wedge pillow to sleep on and everyone kept saying it was for your puffy face, when you didn't even know, really, that you had a puffy face. Observe said face in mirror, wonder if it's the puffiness that made Ben leave. After he said he never loved you.
Or could ever love you.
Best not to think about it; best to think about grandma and her amazing gift-giving capacity. You feel good about the pen you are using. You are distracted for the evening by Dirty Dancing. It is impossible to write about how thankful you are for the wedge pillow and your new self esteem when distracted by Patrick Swayze saying things like, “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.”
The next day comes. You are a little hung over, not because you are sad and drank alone to make the pain go away, but because you enjoyed a nice bottle of wine while watching an American classic. Today is a new day and you are going to prove that by writing a thank you note to your Grandmother.
You consult ehow.com and learn that they believe you, specifically, are retarded. It doesn't say it exactly in the text, but you take as much from Step One: “Collect your supplies; have pen, card, stamp and envelope READY.” You glean more of this attitude from Step Two: “Address Gift Giver,” Ex. Dear [Insert Person That Gave You Gift's Name]. Step Three: “Thank person for gift.” Ex., Thank you for [gift]. Step Four: “Use adjectives and explain how gift will be used.” Ex. The gift is really [adjective]. It will be used for [usage]. Step Five: “Insert something personal.” Ex. I enjoyed your visit. Step Six: “Use appropriate salutation.” Ex. Sincerely [Your Name]. Step Seven: “Put card in envelope.” Step Eight: “Affix Stamp.” Step Nine: “Deposit at mailbox. “
You marvel at how unhelpful ehow.com has been and sit down and write grandma a powerful little number on your gratitude that reads:
Dear Grandma,
Thank you for the wedge pillow. The wedge pillow is really big. It will be used for sleeping. I really enjoyed your visit.
Sincerely,
Grand Daughter
Grandma might be less than knocked over by the sincerity of that letter. You reconsider:
Dear Grandma,
Thank you for the wedge pillow. It is large and awkward and I imagine difficult to travel with. It will be used to take the puffiness out of my horrible face. When you visit, it reminds me that Monica is only a year older but has a beautiful baby boy, a husband and teaches yoga.
Sincerely,
I Know My Eyes Could be a Prettier Blue
Even though you are hung over from American Cinema, you sense this sounds wrong. You aren't positive that Grandma will understand what you are trying to say. And what are you trying to say? You are trying to thank Grandma for the gift you never knew you needed while delighting her with anecdotes from your life.
The best way to do this is with pen, paper, envelope and a stamp. If I thought you were completely retarded, that would be my Step One for you. If that were the case, then my Step Two would also include addressing the gift giver by their name and not someone else's name: Grandma. I feel strongly that steps three and four are not only very important but may be combined. Step Three is acknowledging the gift so they know why you are writing and their immediate confusion can be stopped. Let's not kid ourselves; you never write them, you mostly ignore them during visits, modern technology has not improved the relationship and they don't know why you are writing:
Grandma,
I just wanted to thank you for the pillow; I'm at a loss for how my face could be more beautiful but am always up for the challenge.
Now that the thanking and acknowledging has been addressed, the personal masterpiece that is known as winning anecdotes might begin. It's important to think about what you want to discuss. This is the meat of the paragraph. This is the stuff that might at least make you number one with Grandma even if you will never be number one with Ben.
I cannot stress enough how important it is to be positive here; Grandma needs to know that winners are in here genetic makeup. Grandma does not want to read things like: Work is going well. I try really hard. I feel like most people like me. Except Janel. She's my boss. People say it isn't personal because she's getting divorced. She says I make a lot of mistakes. Grandma won't know what to do with a letter like that, but it certainly won't end up on the fridge.
What's something grandma would like to hear about? If you are actually a winner, than there is no need to state that. Perhaps you could relay a mundane moment you and Grandma shared together, but describe it with your special voice:
After you left, I watched Dr. Phil for half an hour. Dr. Phil is, as you said, very tall. He also likes to help [exploit] people in bad situations. On Wednesday, he helped [exploited] Miriam and Rich, from Omaha, who would get a divorce but fear what will happen to their kids if they come from a broken home. Dr. Phil said to them, “Your kids are already from a broken home.” Miriam started to cry. It reminded me of all the Dr. Phil we watched together when you were in town. I suspect it might be even similar to the Dr. Phil we will watch together next year.
Here, you not only talk about what you did that day and assert your positions onto something, but you also talk about an activity that you shared and will share in the future. Grandma feels close to you now. Watching ruined marriages held together by children that never asked to be born, while not speaking to each other, and eating popcorn neither of you liked, was sort of special now that she thinks about it. She had enjoyed that.
And, finally, I recommend that you sign your letter with your name- and, again, not someone else's name. Grandma is old, but she will still know that Billy Bob Thornton didn't send her this thank you, even if you sign it Billy Bob Thornton, because Billy Bob Thornton doesn't abuse salt and have a puffy face and she didn't need to buy him a wedge pillow.
Erin Spradlin enjoys running, writing and judging reality television personalities. Erin Spradlin does not
enjoy math, laundry or traffic. She currently resides in Denver, CO
with her boyfriend, her cat and her filthy, disgusting bulldog that
considers no cuisine finer than cat feces. She will be starting law
school in the fall of 2007.
